“Stifle yourself, Edith.”

If you watched television in the 1970’s, you’ll immediately recognize one of the most frequent lines uttered by character Archie Bunker on All in the Family. Hundreds of times, he told his wife to be quiet. He didn’t want to hear her opinions. He didn’t want to hear about her family, her day, or her inner life. He didn’t want to hear anything that he perceived as a threat to his role as “master of the house.”

And Edith, bless her, wouldn’t be stifled.

She’d keep on talking, and he would grow increasingly perturbed. This always got a laugh from the studio audience. But watching a montage on YouTube just now of all the times he told her to stifle herself made my stomach ache. Every time he used the word “stifle,” he was attempting to assert his supremacy, and four decades later, his tone triggers me. It’s far too close to what I perceive in our nation today.

DoYouMind.life isn’t a political platform, but I can’t help but be influenced by the world around me, and that world is highly political. Norman Lear knew exactly what he was doing when he created All in the Family—he was using entertainment to change the heart of America. At a time when television news was fraught with anti-Vietnam war protests, racial discrimination and violence, the Women’s Lib movement, and anti-Semitism, Lear took a bold step into a new world of satirical situation comedy. He created a “lovable bigot”—Archie—to hold a mirror up to ourselves and advance the causes of women, LGBTQ+ people, and people of color.

What I see in our country today, though, isn’t satire, and it isn’t “lovable bigotry.” And I won’t keep quiet.

I first heard “Quiet” by Milck after the Women’s March on Washington. In it, she repeats the refrain “I won’t keep quiet.” Too much is at stake for her—or for any of us—to continue to stifle ourselves. The song became an anthem for the #METOO movement, but I think it’s even broader than speaking up about sexual abuse. It’s about speaking up to save the soul of a nation.

Women’s rights activist and blogger Tabby Biddle expressed my feelings eloquently when she said, “I believe so strongly that it is time for women to speak and lead by example. I believe women hold the key to bringing our world into greater balance and bringing back the respect for all of humanity. I believe that when we as women join together as sisters, we can accomplish anything.”

Women’s voices must be heard. Why? Again, Tabby Biddle nails it: “The world is aching for feminine wisdom to come forward. The world is starving for feminine compassion and connection. The world is begging for you, as a woman, to step forward with your voice so that you can heal our planet.”

And yet, the internalized Archie-Bunker-in-our-heads wants us to play small: If I speak, they’ll think I’m a “dingbat.” If I speak, I’ll make them uncomfortable. If I speak, I will be uncomfortable.

So we keep quiet—or we speak, but only as we apologize, minimize, or ask for permission. “I’m sorry, but I don’t see it that way…” “Maybe it’s just me, and I’m no expert, but…” “Do you mind if I make a suggestion?” We use language that we have been socialized to think is “polite,” but in reality, it “keeps us in our place.” Such language waters down our message and undermines our credibility.

The word “stifle” means “to restrain or to stop,” but the first definition is “to suffocate.” Swallowing our truths doesn’t make them any less true—it only suffocates us. And we do it without realizing that we’re doing it. I see several speech habits in myself and in women around me that need to be brought from our subconscious into full light for closer examination.      

1. Apologizing

Not thirty seconds ago, I did it. I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.” Seriously?! Working on this article in a waiting room, my mind keenly focused on using strong language, when interrupted by the receptionist, I slipped into the all-too-familiar pattern of apology. It would be so much stronger to say, “Could you please repeat that?” It’s still polite, and it doesn’t imply that I’m somehow at fault for not hearing the question.

So why do we do it? It may be in our DNA. Generation upon generation of women have apologized for things that aren’t theirs. Someone else bumps into her, and she says, “Sorry.” Someone else is rude, and she says, “I’m sorry, but could you please…” According to Sloane Crosley in NewYorkTimes.com, “It’s a Trojan horse for genuine annoyance, a tactic left over from centuries of having to couch basic demands in palatable packages in order to get what we want. All that exhausting maneuvering is the etiquette equivalent of a vestigial tail.”

2. Using the word “little”

Recently, my niece Karen was excitedly telling me about her online graphic design business, and she said, “I have new business cards for my little business…” “Whoa!” I exclaimed, stopping her mid-sentence. I launched into full-on lecture mode. “It isn’t a ‘little’ business. Sure, you don’t have your first sale yet, but you’ve put your heart and soul into it. You have taken classes, invested in software, bought hardware, cast a vision, created a business plan, and you’re beginning your marketing strategy. You have a unique artistic style. How, exactly, is any of that ‘little’?”  

She thanked me for pointing out her use of minimizing language, and later she told me that she had caught herself numerous times using the same phrasing in speech or in emails. Now that she recognized it, she was trying to eradicate it from her communication, and she’d even pointed it out to some colleagues who did the same thing.

3. Saying “just”

We minimize when we use the word “just,” as in, “I just wondered whether…” Instead, we can say, “I need to know…” We can revise “I’m just writing to ask whether you’ve had a chance to look at those figures” to “What are your thoughts on those figures?” When you start paying attention, you’ll be surprised at the number of times this minimizer slips into your speech—ditto for “kind of,” almost,” and “sort of.”

4. Adding a tag line at the end of a sentence

Tag lines are those phrases we tack onto sentences in an attempt to sound humble or to assure agreement. They’re challenging because women, in general, are collegial and want to know that we are being heard. So we say things like, “That was a great movie, don’t you think?” or “Our profits are up, aren’t they?” Tag lines that ask questions don’t build collegiality; they weaken the statement by sounding unsure.

This may be one of my most challenging speech patterns. I even caught myself saying it three times in the first podcast for DoYouMind.life—a program intended to lift up women’s voices! I made a bold declaration for the DoYouMind Project, then tagged on “I hope” at the end of the sentence. I backed away from a clear statement of vision and made it sound like a wishy-washy pipe dream.

5. Sacrificing directness to be more likeable

Our words are sometimes less than precise, especially when we place a high value on relationship with the hearer. We use minimizing or apologetic language to maintain a relationship at the expense of stating what we mean. According to Tara Mohr in Playing Big, “Most women I know feel great pressure—sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious—to say what they really want to say, while also adhering to feminine norms of being nice, ever flexible, ever conciliatory, ever calm.”

So if a woman is hungry, she’ll often ask her friends whether they are hungry rather than saying, “I’m famished. Let’s stop to get a bite.”

Our voices matter. When we speak our truths that come from our center, we change the world. We can encourage one another, Dear Reader, to speak boldly. We can give each other gentle reminders, as I did with my niece, of self-sabotaging language. As stated by viewer Sheryl Perez on Milck’s YouTube video, “There is nothing more powerful than a voice. When voices come together the strength becomes evident and undeniable. Keep speaking! Keep telling! Keep sharing!”

Until next time,