It’s summertime in the Northern Hemisphere: Americans are celebrating Independence Day, and for most folks, that means more leisurely days, kicking back with friends at the pool, and a restorative vacation.

Unless you’re a woman.

Studies back up what I observe in the women around me: when it comes to enjoying free time, women are all too often left out. In Real Simple, Ruth Davis Konigsberg defines free time as “time that you spend on yourself, where you can choose to do things that you enjoy.” She writes that half of women surveyed reported having less than 90 minutes of free time per day. And 4% of women say they have no free time at all.

Even worse, of the women who report slightly more leisure time, much of that time is “contaminated” by interruptions and multitasking, often housework or caregiving. According to Konigsberg, “Sociologists Liana Sayer at Ohio State University…, Marybeth Mattingly at the Carsey Institute…, and Suzanne Bianchi at… [UCLA] have all found that women’s free time is more likely to be contaminated, fragmented, and interrupted than men’s.” So even when we think we’re in “leisure time” mode, we aren’t fully present to enjoy that time.

And don’t even get me started about vacations! So many women I talk with want to take a vacation from vacations because it’s seen as our job to make sure everyone else is having fun, staying safe, and wearing their sunscreen. Don’t get me wrong: I enjoyed seeing my now-grown kids splash in the pool or build a sandcastle. I loved combing a beach with them and teaching them how to skip stones. I even got a kick out of going to amusement parks and riding roller coasters with them. But those pleasures also came with a keen awareness of my responsibilities as a parent, meaning that vacation time wasn’t necessarily restorative time for me. 

That restorative time is crucial, both to us and to those whom we love. If we aren’t taking care to give ourselves time to rest and play, then we have little left to give to others. Just as we’re instructed on an airplane to put on our own oxygen masks before helping others, we need to give ourselves a break before we become so depleted that we resent the very ones we love.

This isn’t the message we get from our society. We think that we should be able to have a career, a family, a well-kept home, and abundant leisure time, all while looking as if we just stepped out of a Cover Girl ad. But as Abigail Chandler points out, “The whole notion of ‘having it all’ seems designed to keep women striving to do more and more, driven by a guilt that, if they don’t, they’ll be letting down their families, themselves, and all of womankind.”

Geez! No wonder we have a hard time letting down our hair and being fully present just to have fun! Even as we sit down for a meal with a friend, we are aware of the myriad of things we ought to be doing. The to-do lists are constantly running though our minds. If we don’t do it, and do it just so, then it won’t get done.

That kind of thinking is not only a disservice to us; it cripples those around us as well. Delegating to others, then letting go of a “perfect outcome,” empowers them to be independent, fully-functioning adults. Take, for example, the wash. I abdicated my role as Queen of the Laundry Room when my twins were about twelve years old. I took them down to the basement, showed them the dials on the machines, explained how to sort by color and fabric type, and then told them that they were now in charge of keeping their own clothes clean. Congratulations!

But we often have trouble delegating. That same article in Real Simple stated that 28% of married women won’t ask their spouse to do more because they don’t think the spouse will do it to their standards. Called “gatekeeping,” this behavior blocks others from being more involved in household chores and child rearing, and it contributes to our feelings of stress.

So, what to do?

For one thing, we need to let down our standards a bit. Now, I don’t mean that bedrooms are piled up with dirty laundry and the kids are running around in soiled diapers eating peanut butter from a jar while we nibble bonbons on the couch. We call that neglect, and it is absolutely not OK. But we need to quit thinking that everything has to be perfect all the time, and that we are the only ones who can do what needs to be done. I’m saying that there’s a balance between doing everything for everyone and doing nothing—and that it isn’t being selfish to take care of yourself.

So, what if the towels don’t really need to be folded the way you’ve always done it? What if your family members matched up their own socks? What if you could make a grocery list and let your spouse or teenager do the shopping? What if you delegated just a few of the things you ordinarily do and made space for leisure time?

Above all, set your own priorities and honor them by setting aside the time you need for each one—then let the rest go. Don’t keep trying to be Everything to Everyone, because guess what? The moment you achieve being Everything to Everyone, more demands will be placed upon you!

Then, I invite you, Dear Reader, to begin thinking of the “free” in “free time” not as an adjective, but as an imperative verb: “Free some Time for yourself.” Schedule time in each day to take care of yourself. This is NOT negotiable time. It is not to be put off until you finish cleaning the kitchen or run another errand. It is not secondary to the needs of others. You do not need to do anything to “earn” it! Put it on your calendar, in your bullet journal, or on your phone; set an alarm, and when that time comes, it is your time. Make it sacred time, and don’t allow anyone or anything to sully it or keep you from it. Do something that feeds your soul. Be joyful!

Until next time,