“So, where do you find joy?” I asked the woman I had met only two minutes earlier. It’s a question I have asked a lot this month as I have focused on the DoYouMind.life theme, but the woman I’d just met shook her head sadly.

“What? Joy?” she asked, seeming bewildered by my question. “I don’t know about joy right now,” she answered, her words more sighed than spoken. “I’m going through a bad time. It’s a really, really hard time…”

I nodded my understanding and allowed a buffer of silence before I spoke, “I’m going through huge transitions right now, too. It can be really, really tough sometimes. But I think the reason I’m so interested in asking people about joy is that I believe that joy doesn’t depend on everything to be perfect. It’s right here, right now, and all we have to do is choose to embrace it.”

She considered this, and then reflected, “I guess it’s good to be glad for what we’ve got and not think so much about what we don’t have.”

“Yes!” I agreed. “In all that I’ve been reading and discussing with people, gratitude keeps showing up!” We continued discussing gratitude and joy, and as we did, I noticed that her demeanor changed. She became more animated, her shoulders squared slightly, and by the end of our conversation, she seemed more positive. Thinking about joy, it seemed, had made her feel more joyful.

Lots of books and articles tell us that we just need to keep a positive mindset. Mind over matter. Look at the bright side. Find that silver lining. But if we’re already feeling bad, these platitudes may just make us feel worse because now we slather on a layer of guilt for not being able to talk ourselves out of feeling bad.

So what can we do to find joy in hard times?

First of all, we need to remember that joy isn’t the same as happiness. Happiness is fleeting, while joy is an attunement of the heart that allows it to resonate with all that is our lives. Joy allows room for grief and pain. So in a time of grief, we may certainly not feel happy, but we may experience joy that our love was so deep for the one we have lost. If we try to block the pain of that loss—and we are a pretty crafty lot when it comes to finding ways to numb pain—we also block the joy.

Second, we can learn to hold the present moment like a feather in the palm of our hands. It is beautiful and light; the slightest breeze will whisk it away. Our feelings will come and go. We will have pain, and happiness, and discontent, and love, and frustration, and laughter, and anger, and each of these is as fleeting as the feather.    

Next, we can practice gratitude. A man I spoke with the other day—I’d posed the same question about joy to him—said that his father-in-law was dying, the tie rod on his car had broken, and his wife was nearly having a nervous breakdown. I pointed out how fortunate it was that the broken tie rod hadn’t caused an accident, and that it was good that he was able to be there for his wife as they both spent time with her father in his final days. At this, the man reflected how special it had been that his father-in-law’s former students were coming to the hospital, a steady stream of reminders of the lives he had touched. No matter how dark the times may seem, somewhere there is gratitude, and joy and gratitude thrive on each other.

Next, it’s helpful to bring out some of the aesthetics of joy. Ingrid Fetell Lee suggests using the good dishes, wearing a pop of color or whimsy, singing and dancing, gathering with a community, and making others laugh. (If you read my book review this month, Lee’s name is familiar to you—she writes of the ten aesthetics of joy.)

For many, viewing difficult times as a test of their faith or strength is helpful. A time of hardship, especially when trouble seems to pile on top of trouble, can stretch us almost to a breaking point, but it also allows us to see just how strong we are, or how strong our faith is. And once it’s in the rear view mirror, we wonder how we ever got through it.

Life coach Emily Holland says that taking pleasure in the simple things can help us to stay connected to our joy. Our pets, walks in nature, and even the smell of coffee or the taste of a delicious meal can spark joy even when we are challenged with a difficult time.

Holland adds that practicing mindfulness can improve emotional well-being by keeping us grounded in the present. As we learn to be aware of our breathing, we begin to pay attention to other sensations in our bodies, as well as to the thoughts that flit across our minds. As we learn to notice all this, we learn to become aware of negative thoughts and then release them.

What strategies do you use, Dear Reader, to maintain the joy even in the worst times? Please comment and share. Whatever strategies you might use, be gentle, kind, and compassionate with yourself. May you find joy each moment of your life, in good times and in challenging times.

Until next time,